Why, indeed, did the chicken cross the road? It’s been a mystery for years. Fortunately, I think I may finally have an answer. Chickens, it seems, are stupid. Also, in many instances it is likely they are also suicidal. It’s true. Stay with me and I will explain.

From a very young age, chickens are not just childishly stupid, they are inconceivably stupid. For example, young chicks have been known to drown in the rain. They’re apparently trying to get a drink and don’t have enough sense to swallow and/or look down when their beaks fill with water. Can these little fuzzy chicks really be that dumb? Or do they not like the looks of their future?

As chickens grow, so does their idiocy. As teenage chickens, they will not only drown in the rain, they have developed the ability to fly short distances, so they will fly to the top of their feed barrel. If an unsuspecting chicken-owner has left the lid off the barrel, said chicken will jump in, thereby sinking to the bottom and suffocating. Documented cases are on file. Suicide or stupidity?

Chickens CAN fly by the way; enough to find themselves stuck in a tree or on top of a building. Unfortunately, it is only on rare instances that they can figure out how to get down.

Being an avid farmer, and also one that was fed up with the apparent stupidity of his chickens, my father noted once that chickens remembered how to fly once he rescued them from their precarious perches in trees or on top of the barn. Once he gave them a toss, it seemed to come back to them. To test his theory further, Dad took one of his chickens up in a small crop-dust plane owned by a friend of his. Dad often related the story of how his poor chicken, much to his dismay, simply folded its wings and dropped like a rock. I can just picture him watching the chicken get smaller and smaller as it plummeted to the ground and thinking, “Huh. There goes that theory.” Dad was a farmer; not a scientist.

My neighbor’s chickens used to constantly wander into our yard. One chicken in particular was always trying to crawl through the fence and get into the pen with our dogs. Often I would be doing dishes and looking out the kitchen window to witness this chicken pecking at the fence as my dogs eyed it with hungry interest. “Kids,” I would call. “The suicidal chicken is back,” and they would have to go outside and chase it around the yard. Was this chicken lost? Did this chicken think it was entering its own pen? Or was it simply trying to end it all?

Now back to the question of the chicken crossing the road. According to the Associated Press, a chicken has been wreaking havoc in Glendale, Calif., by darting in and out of traffic for the past two months. Yes, he is attempting to cross the road. First reported in November, the chicken is still trying to cross.

Photographers, journalists, and animal control officers are adding to the melee as they all clamor for the chicken’s attention. I’ve seen the photos. “Who’s stupid now?” the chicken seems to be saying.

So here’s the point. Chickens appear to be stupid. Chickens appear to be suicidal. OR— stay with me on this — are chickens just messing with us? Are they maybe extremely intelligent beings just sent here to make fools of us all? After all, we’ve spent decades, even centuries trying to figure out why they cross the street. Could it be that they are superior beings?

Nahh. They’re stupid. Some things in life just can’t be reasoned.

— Rebecca Todd is the author of a soon-to-be-released eBook titled “What’s the Point?” Contact her at btodd@tds.net.