BY REBECCA TODD
It’s the month of November and it’s all about the food! Oh sure, there’s the whole thankfulness thing, but be honest. While you are waiting for dinner and Great Aunt Mildred is saying a blessing that stretches into a monologue that would make the Pope check his watch, you are scooting the potatoes closer to your plate and thinking about attacking the turkey.
So in honor of this auspicious month of gluttony, let’s examine recent stories concerning food in the news. These stories quite frankly might make you check your hunger. Proceed with caution.
Here’s a little tidbit that might make you forget about overeating. In the sport of competitive eating — and yes, they refer to competitive eating as a “sport” — Joey Chestnut recently won the first annual Martorano’s Masters Meatball Eating Championship in Las Vegas. Mr. Chestnut downed 50 meatballs in 10 minutes. No word on how long it took for them to come back up. Pat “Deep Dish” Bertoletti finished a close second, only one meatball behind Chestnut. It was a photo finish. A photo that, trust me, you don’t want to see. Mr. Chestnut has several other wins under his belt, so to speak, including pizza, hot dogs, and chicken wings; a true sportsman.
The next little morsel will surely make you think twice before attacking that plate of food. A woman in South Carolina recently found Jesus on her toasted cheese sandwich. Well, not the actual Jesus, just a burnt spot on her toast that she felt resembled Jesus. I have seen authentic photos of the toast and I have to say, astoundingly, it looks just exactly like a burnt piece of toast. I don’t see a face at all.
But I do have to wonder, what exactly makes one examine his food before he eats it? Why does one examine toast and pancakes looking for images of faces? And why does Jesus only appear on breakfast cuisine? At any rate, consider checking for faces before you dine this month. You might have an epiphany, or at least something worthy of selling on eBay.
This last gut-buster of a news story would kill even Joey Chestnut’s appetite. Red flag in the food pantry at Lucas Oil Stadium! Not only have there allegedly been mice feces and dead rodents found in the kitchens, patrons of the stadium have complained of moldy popcorn and “strange tasting” food. The mind reels with the possibilities of what football fans are consuming. So if you’re attending a game anytime soon, you might want to pack your own lunch.
On the plus side, I haven’t read any horrifying food stories about turkey, potatoes, or Great Aunt Mildred. So if you haven’t lost your appetite, go for it. Eat up and enjoy.
Just be sure to adhere to these dining rules. Check the kitchen for rodents before you eat. Unless you aspire to beat Joey Chestnut in the next meatball challenge, don’t over-indulge. And please, check everything for religious symbols and images before you eat it. If you find something, do let me know.
— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer from Clayton. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.
