Have you heard the latest? It’s seems that — brace yourselves for this — food companies sometimes market their products to children! Yes, it’s true. And sometimes, after the children watch commercials, they want their parents to buy the product they have seen advertised! Honestly, I am not making this up.

Thank goodness a recent study completed at the Yale University Rudd Center has brought this matter back to the clueless public’s attention. The study determined (and outlined in a 102-page document that I currently have in front of me — might I add that it is stimulating), that the breakfast cereals with the least amount of nutritional value are the cereals most heavily marketed toward children.

Thank goodness so much money is going towards studies such as this because, seriously, who would have guessed that cereals such as Fruity Pebbles, Reese Puffs, Trix, and Fruit Loops didn’t have as much nutritional value as Wheat Chex and Bran Flakes. Astounding.

Further, I’m so pleased that the government has now taken it upon themselves to look into this matter. Otherwise, we as average American parents would have absolutely no idea how to feed our children. Since we’re just a bunch of illiterate oafs, we would likely have them outside grazing in the yard like cattle if the government didn’t tell us what to do.

And after all, what else does the Food and Drug Administration have to do? It’s not as if there’s a huge problem with the misuse of prescription drugs, mostly caused by the overtly offensive gluttony of advertising by pharmaceutical companies. No, let’s not go after them. Let’s go after Fred Flintstone, Lucky, Toucan Sam, and the Trix rabbit as if they are the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

I’m joking of course. I would never let my kids graze. I would just feed them cake and cookies for every meal, because I’m an idiot and can’t figure out how to say “no” to them.

The goal of this hyped-up campaign is to make advertisers stop targeting children so parents won’t have to say the word “no.”

While I agree that commercials saturate modern American culture, I do not think these ads influence reasonably intelligent individuals. I personally surveyed several families and individuals on the street and every one of them purchases a wide variety of cereal, including those on the no-no list and those that are on the healthy list. Children and adults alike seem to like a wide variety. None of the families bought the cereal because of a fun cartoon character. They bought their cereal based on taste and price. Except for one guy that only eats Count Chocula by the full moon every other month and Tuesdays during March. I really have to stop talking to random people on the street.

The point here, however, is that children might be influenced by commercials, but that is why they have parents. It is the parents’ job to say no.

I harken back to the story of Sugar Bear. Remember him? He was the animated spokesman for Post Super Sugar Crisp. It was popular in the ‘70s. Suddenly, activists decided that “sugar” was something akin to Satan and was causing their children to bloat and their teeth to rot out of their heads. Therefore, Super Sugar Crisp became Super Golden Crisp, Sugar Bear was banished to Hades, and sure enough, low and behold, the activists’ children were still bloated and their teeth were still rotten. Why? Because the cereal and the word “sugar” were never the problem.

There’s no doubt that the marketing industry targets youth. But it’s a ridiculous cop out on the part of parents and educators to blame television commercials for over-aggressive or obese children. Parents, step up and take responsibility for your children. Teach your children control, consequences, and the value of a dollar. Teach them the truth about marketing and advertising instead of giving in and blaming the commercials.

Most of all, teach them the definition of the word “no.”

— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer from Clayton. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.