By RebeccaTodd
CNHI
— The weather is warming up nicely. Minds in Indiana are turning toward beaches, barbeques, and fun in the sun.
You know what that means: skimpy clothing. You know what that means: all the excess fat that's been hiding under heavy sweaters and parkas all winter is going be set lose on the world. And you know what that means: time to pump up the exercise routines.
However, do any of us want to watch a bunch of beach-bunny wannabes bouncing up and down the road in stretchy pants and belly shirts trying to get in touch with their inner skinny person? And nothing can ruin your day faster than seeing your neighbor, Mr. Hairyback, jogging in shorty-shorts and a tank top.
Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with the one, the only, Ms. Fashionista to give readers some toning tips, not to mention some oh-so-important shape-up fashion advice. Ms F. is currently touring the country on a mission to rid the states of what she likes to call "Fat Fall-out."
For our interview, Ms. Fashionista and I met at a posh Hendricks Country restaurant. (Trust me; it wasn't easy to find one).
Rebecca Todd: Good to see to you again, Ms. Fashionista. It's been too long.
Ms. Fashionista: It certainly has, darling. From the looks of you, I got here just in time. Put your jacket back on, won't you, dear? I'm trying to have lunch.
RT: Subtle as always, Ms. F. Tell me a little about your national tour.
Ms. F: It's a goodwill mission of mercy, really. The entire country has faced an insufferable winter with nothing to do but lie around and grow even more revoltingly rotund. With bathing suit season upon us, I simply must put an end to the excess skin before we are forced to view it oozing out of bikinis and Speedos. It's a public service.
RT: You're a saint, Ms. F.
Ms. F: Don't be fresh, darling. You know it's true. Or have you sold all of your mirrors?
RT: [Unprintable string of expletives.]
Ms. F: [Laughs with condescension.] Don't be so defensive, dear. You must understand that I am accustomed to working in the fashion world with super models and svelte clientele.
RT: Perhaps we should start there. How do the super models stay so thin?
Ms. F: Simple. They subsist on one chick pea, a leaf of lettuce, and a single grain of rice a day. Not a diet for you, dear. Let me ask; have you eaten anything that wasn't deep-fried this year?
RT: Back to your so-called "mission," then. What's the best course of action for people who want to shape up before beach season?
Ms. F: The point is not how to shape up. The point is where to shape up. Point blank, no one wants to see you. Exercise at home, in the dark, with the shades drawn. Don't come out until you can see your feet. Then, and only then, should you attempt to pull on shorts and exercise in public. I'm giving you a solid six weeks.
RT: Please tell me you are not traveling the country saying this to people.
Ms. F: Of course.
RT: And no one has shot you yet?
Ms. F: Well, I'll admit there has been a bit of, shall we say, reluctance on the part of a few larger audience members; those such as yourself. [Stands up and spins]. But, dear, how can you argue with perfection.
Unfortunately, the interview with Ms. F. was cut unexpectedly short. After the restaurant employees had pulled me off of her and the police were finished interviewing witnesses, Ms. F. had flown the coop.
Without the help of our beloved fashion expert, it appears that we are on our own, readers. Here's my advice: When you feel the need to flash some skin, no matter how big or how small you may be, go for it.
Fashionistas of the world be damned. Enjoy the weather.
- Rebecca Todd is the author of the eBook "What's the Point," available now at rebeccatodd.wordpress.com.
