The good news? The divorce rate in the United States has declined.
The bad news? It’s still almost half of all marriages.
What causes an end to what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment?
“The majority of the time it’s because they’ve lost focus on their relationship,” said Alyssa Johnson, a marriage counselor.
Johnson, who has counseled couples for almost 15 years, specializes in remarriages. The divorce rate is even higher with those, especially when children are involved.
“You’ve already been divorced once, so that boundary line isn’t as firm,” Johnson said. “And second marriages are completely different from first marriages. People assume I’ve done it before, I should know what I’m doing.”
The simple truth is that marriage requires a lot of work.
“Women get so excited about the wedding they forget the point of it: It’s a marriage,” Johnson said. “I don’t think a lot of people put nearly as much work into their marriage as they do on planning their wedding.”
Add to that the prevalence of divorce today and you have different mindsets. Many of the young people getting married now come from divorced families.
“That’s going to cause your perspective on marriage to go one of two ways,” Johnson said. “One, I’m not getting divorced no matter what because I saw what it was like. Or we’ll get married, we’ll see if it works. If it doesn’t, it’s not a big deal.”
Fulfilling matrimony, Johnson says, involves continual appraisal. Couples have to make time for each other, both the fun and serious stuff.
“Each couple and each individual is different,” Johnson said. “The amount of time I may need may not be the same amount he may need. You have to figure that out together and learn to be able to balance that to meet both your needs.”
That’s often the downfall in remarriages that involve children.
“A lot of times when couples remarry, they focus so much on making the stepfamily strong and getting to know their stepkids,” Johnson said. “But if you neglect your marriage, that’s the core of the stepfamily. If the marriage falls apart, there’s no stepfamily.”
Couples also need to continue to show appreciation toward each other.
“In my opinion, the death of a marriage is (when you start) to take one another for granted — assuming this person is always going to be there no matter what,” Johnson said. “People need to realize while marriage is a lifelong commitment, it’s still a choice.”
She encourages the use of daily niceties — simply “please” and “thank you.”
“A lot of times we treat complete strangers better than our spouses,” Johnson said.
Also, go above and beyond what’s expected of you every now and again. Surprise your wife with flowers or your husband with tickets to a ballgame. As well, acknowledge the effort your spouse puts in at home, be it cooking meals or mowing the lawn.
“Let them know you appreciate those things,” Johnson said. “That lets them know you’re not just assuming they’re going to do those things.”
When a fight does occur, keep it on point. That means no name-calling, cursing, or dredging past grievances.
“The point of any argument should be bringing up a problem and finding a solution,” Johnson said. “Nothing gets accomplished from merely attacking one another.”
Johnson has never encouraged a couple she’s counseled to get divorced. Even in cases of abuse, her recommendation is separation with strict guidelines on how to work through the problems.
“To me every marriage is viable as long as both are willing to put the effort into it,” Johnson.
That doesn’t necessarily have to include seeing a licensed counselor either. Johnson encourages couples to reach out to those they trust, if they can’t solve their problems on their own.
“The key is deal with it,” she said. “Don’t ignore it.”
Johnson’s office is at 8311 W. 10th St., Indianapolis. For more information, call 271-8790 or e-mail to alyssa@remarriagesuccess.com.
wade.coggeshall@flyergroup.com
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