Around, around we go on the Open House Merry Go Round. This past weekend started the annual ritual that marks the beginning of summer. No, it isn’t Memorial Day weekend or the Indy 500. It is graduation open house season that officially kicks off the beginning of summer.

Each year we make a list, and check it twice, of each graduate we must recognize for their achievements. From some we get the elegantly printed invitations provided by Josten’s or Herff Jones. Others we get a brief e-mail asking us to drop by or at least send a card (preferably one containing money!). And yet others decide to save on postage by simply listing their event in the church bulletin. This is the best way. Without even investing 44 cents, they exponentially increase the number of checks they will receive.

I think it is time we officially rename these events for what they really are. Instead of “open houses” or “graduation parties,” let’s call them “money collecting events.” This is your one chance as an 18-year-old to get away with begging friends, family, friends of family, and only slightly remembered relatives to slip you 20 bucks so you can a.) offset tuition expenses, b.) buy textbooks, or c.) have enough cash for beer and pizza! 

Everyone knows that this is the true financial aid program in America. And the best part is that it is completely democratic. You don’t need to be a top student. You don’t have to fill out pages and pages of scholarship applications. You don’t need to prove financial need. All you need is a lot of adult acquaintances who think highly enough of you to give a head start on the next stage of you life.

As long as we are at it, we can also take a look at those other life changing events that people line up to give you gifts. While as an adult it is socially unacceptable to invite your friends to the McDonald’s Playland so you can collect birthday presents, we think it’s just fine to have a wedding shower, a baby shower, or a housewarming party. Any of these are perfect chances to collect a cache of towels, toasters, plates, and platters. Things we need and some things we don’t.

Little did we know when we got married and collected our stash of household goods that we would be expected to reciprocate for the rest of our lives at every wedding or birth. But, to be perfectly honest, even back then I saw the real reason for having a big wedding. To make more money! We divided our guest list up into those we wanted there, those we didn’t want there but were obligated to invite, and those we knew couldn’t come but would send money. They were our favorites!

The downside of this system is that those who have longevity suffer the most. We have now been married for almost 16 years. The first 10 years were great. We had every houseware known to man and enough towels that we kept boxes in the attic that we could raid every time one got worn out or a hole in it.

At 16 years the worm has turned, so to speak. Appliances have worn out and our supply of towels has migrated to the rag pile. While others have been proactive and divorced so they can remarry and get a new batch of wedding presents, we have elected to tough it out. It really isn’t that big of a deal to stand naked in the shower until you air dry. Sure you chap a little during winter, but I feel the experience builds character.

Maybe we should start a new tradition. The “We have been happily married for 15 years open house!” This would give everyone a chance to replenish their collection of missing spoons, stained towels, torn throw pillows, and threadbare sheets.

After all, why should the graduates have all the fun?

— Kirby Kirkpatrick is a freelance writer and owner of Success Express. Read more and/or contact him at www.KirbyKirkpatrick.com.