By Mike Redmond
The Hendricks County Flyer
Tue Jan 29, 2013, 03:50 PM EST
"Here," said the nice lady in the scrubs. "Drink this."
She handed me a cup of what looked like thin spackle. Tasted like it too.
Mmm. Barium for breakfast.
The occasion was a full work-up at a local hospital - a chance to look at all of my systems and see which ones were okay, which ones were underperforming, and which were - well, I was going to say operating beyond expectations, but that doesn't seem likely at my age.
Let's just call this what it was: A trip to the garage with orders for the mechanic to check under the hood and then get back to us with the estimate.
The day began way too early and way too hungry. You have to be fasting for this sort of thing, you know - the old "nothing to eat or drink after midnight" routine. They mean it, too. Bite a fingernail and they'll tell you to come back when you can follow the rules.
The fasting thing is tough for me. For as long as I can remember, I have been a person who wakes up hungry. When I was a kid, I was known for jumping out of bed and going straight for my cereal bowl, getting the Quisp dished and the milk poured, and only then remembering that it might have been wise to visit the bathroom first. I ate a lot of soggy cereal until I learned to do things in the right order.
So I was not in the best of moods to begin with when the large array of Medical Mechanics began enacting their voodoo rituals on me.
It started with giving blood. Lots of it. As in enough to give another human a complete refill. Then, because medical voodoo has a tradition of adding insult to injury, I got to stand up and woozily make my way to the bathroom for a sample of another kind of fluid, which struck me as an awful lot to ask of someone who hadn't had anything to drink for about 10 hours.
After that came the electrocardiothingie, where they stick rheostats onto your body and wire you up like a Silvertone console radio. I could have made it a lot easier on everyone by trimming my chest hair. No need, said the lady putting on the stickers. Yes need, I said when she pulled them off and took large clumps of fur with them.
Then came the crowning achievement of the day, the upper GI X-rays with the aforementioned barium breakfast. If you'd like to try this at home, simply blend 12 pieces of blackboard chalk with a quarter cup of water. Gulp it down and you can spend the rest of the day feeling like you have a big hunk of modeling clay trying to move through your system.
(Note: Do not eat a large Chinese dinner on top of this stuff. Trust me on this one. I was up all night muttering various imprecations in Mandarin, a language I didn't know I spoke.)
Boy, the things I do in the name of health. But that's the point of a workup, isn't it? To find ways to make ourselves as healthy as possible.
Or at least healthy enough to see the bill without having a heart attack.
That Voodoo Mechanic Medicine is expensive.
© 2013 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
I hate dog movies. In dog movies, the good, loyal, lovable dog always dies at the end and I end up sitting there in the dark with big tears streaming down my cheeks.
May 21, 2013
Mr. President, the buck stops with you.
President Truman set that standard, with these very words posted on a sign on his Oval Office desk.
But now, with over a thousand days left in this second Obama administration, we find a Nixonian stench emerging from the “W. House.”
Rarely has the White House briefing room so resembled the main ballroom at a meeting of the Conservative Political Action Conference.
I’ve not kept it a secret that I find people who dress their dogs in clothes to be, to put it nicely, somewhat more than just eccentric. And many friendly, helpful readers out there have not kept it a secret that they really wish I would not express my views about dogs dressed as humans.
May 17, 2013
Distrust of government secrecy has been elevated to an exceptional level with the disclosure the Justice Department covertly examined two months of Associated Press phone records to determine who leaked details to the AP about a foiled terrorist plot.
The federal government recently announced new regulations for buying fast food.
It sounds like the plot from a dystopian libertarian novel. The word “patriot” and the phrase “educating on the Constitution and Bill of Rights” triggered heightened scrutiny from the most intrusive agency in the federal government.
The action at the bird feeder has been spectacular lately: Cardinals, finches, songbirds in impressive variety crowding around all day long in search of sustenance. It is truly gratifying …
For my neighbor.
That’s what it’s like at his feeder.
May 14, 2013
On April 27, Dr. Jeff Butts demonstrated a rare form of servant leadership as he participated in the Go Love Indy westside service project.
May 13, 2013
Everyone presumes that Sen. Chuck Schumer, the media-hungry Democrat from New York, wants to be the next Senate majority leader. His performance in the negotiations over the Gang of Eight immigration plan should bolster his case for an eventual promotion.
An NPR broadcast examines the question of how communities can better prepare for tornadoes like the one that struck Moore, Okla. on Monday. The broadcast features commentary from Michael Fitzgerald, who reported a five-part disaster series for the CNHI News Service.
May 22, 2013
Part I: Are We Prepared? | Part II: Disaster Dollars Part III: Lessons Learned | Part IV: Warning Signs Part V: The Big One
When J.J. Abrams took over the "Star Trek" franchise in 2009, he boldly went where the series hadn't gone before — romantically — pairing Uhura with Spock. Many fans disliked the change. Some loved it. Others didn't care, because they just wanted to see Kirk and Spock make out.
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