By Rebecca Todd
The Hendricks County Flyer
Fri Jul 06, 2012, 01:57 PM EDT
Last week, this conscientious reporter wrote a diligently researched, highly scientific, fact-based article on Bowser Beer and Doggie Thongs. I concluded that these ideas and those who purchase them are ... well ... moronic. This brought an inevitable round of hate mail from doggie-lovers who concluded that I must be an animal-hater who probably kicks cats and punches puppies for fun. My dog A.J. is sitting here chuckling as she reads this.
Just kidding. She's a dog. She's currently occupied with shifting between sniffing a pile of something vile and rolling around in something rank in the yard.
So this week I thought I would write about dogs again. This time it's not the dogs you dress up in little tutus. It's the dogs you eat. And although this story is much more disgusting, I'll bet no one complains.
On the Fourth of July each year, the Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest is held on Coney Island. It's sort of an homage to gluttony. This year Joey Chestnut took the $10,000 prize for eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Kind of makes you want to puke just thinking about it, doesn't it? It's much worse if you see the video. The contestants actually poke the hot dog down their throats then dunk the bun in water and cram it in after. I'd rather watch lions rip a giraffe apart on Animal Planet or worse, an episode of "Jersey Shore."
What's up with the giraffe anyway? The poor things are built for misery. They can't possibly be comfortable, and they're built for failure. At their fastest, they can run only 35 mph, but only for short spurts and they're very clumsy. Lions on the other hand can travel up to 50 mph at a sustained speed. That's just not fair.
What does that have to do with hot dogs? Nothing. I just feel strongly about the plight of the giraffe. See? I like animals.
So let's examine the Nathan's hot dog. Nutrition facts from the label say each dog contains 309 calories, 20.1 grams of fat, and 684 milligrams of sodium. Ouch. Now take that times 68. That's ... that's ... that's not good. You do the math, because I can't find my calculator. One of those suckers could at least shut down a minor artery or block an intestine. And do you want to talk about how they're made? No, I know you don't, because there are too many animal lovers out there and I would never, ever put them through that.
Found it: 68 hot dogs equals: 21,012 calories, 1366.9 grams of fat, and 46,512 milligrams of sodium. Which can probably be converted to grams, but you do the math, because I don't want to. And then add in the bun. This boy is destined for heart failure.
So here's where we are: My dog needs a bath, and I promise I will promptly make my daughter do it when she gets home from vacation. Giraffes are badly formed and I feel sorry for them. The cast of "Jersey Shore" needs to become extinct. Hot dogs are just mistreated animals and Joey Chestnut needs a heart transplant stat.
Point blank, I care about animals, even Joey Chestnut. PETA: Call off the dogs.
- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book "What's the Point?" available at booklocker.com and Barnes and Noble. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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