By Rebecca Todd
The Hendricks County Flyer
Mon Jun 25, 2012, 02:17 PM EDT
Did you ever wonder what happened to the three bears after Goldilocks turned their world upside down by breaking into their home and terrorizing them? Well, you're in luck. It just so happens I have the inside scoop. But prepare yourselves. It ain't pretty.
Turns out the bears were so traumatized they moved out of the country and took up residence in the Ukraine. That's when things got really bad. The bears should have checked with the local chamber of commerce or something; maybe asked for a brochure or two. In the Ukraine, bears have totally different lives.
In the Ukraine, hotels, restaurants, and bars like to get bears drunk and force them to dance for the entertainment of patrons and guests. No, I am not making this up because I never, ever do that. Please know that I research everything in this column for several minutes on the Internet before I print it as fact because the Internet never lies about anything. It is run by politicians and science fiction fans and some kind of alien life form, so I know all the information on there is true.
Here's the good news. After many years, the Ukraine just inexplicably suddenly decided to stop the practice. Last August Mykola Zlochevsky, the minister of ecology and natural resources, ordered that bears that had been locked up and forced to perform be freed. It is estimated that the announcement affected about 80 bears across the country.
So now the Ukraine is faced with a new problem. What are they going to do with all the alcoholic bears? There's only one humane thing to do. Send the bears to rehab.
And that is where we now find our trio. The three bears, named Yura, Rosa, and Mashenka, now reside in bear rehab while they come down off the hooch. No word on how they are handling the humiliation they suffer from sobering up and realizing they've been drunken-dancing for strangers for the past several years. I'm guessing the rehab will have to be followed by several years of family therapy. Then they will be released in a neighboring forest at the Synevir Nature Preserve.
The funny part of the story is that the Ukraine is not doing this because it is the right thing to do. It's because the Ukraine is co-host of Euro 2012 soccer tournaments and they knew the world would have its eyes on them and might frown a little at the prospect of drunken, dancing bears. Funny how it is OK to get bears drunk and make them dance until you realize someone could find out about it. But the good news is that our friends will finally have a chance at a normal life. Unless ... but, no. I'm sure she's out of the picture.
Goldilocks scans the story of the Ukraine bears on the Internet and smiles to herself. She has found them: Yura, Rosa, and that whiny, little Mashenka. She's been looking for them for years, since the unfortunate incident when they caught her in their house before she could complete her plan. Had they not reported her, she might have let it slide. But they did. And now they will pay.
- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book, "What's the Point?" available at booklocker.com. Contact her at email@example.com.
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