By Rebecca Todd
The Hendricks County Flyer
Fri Dec 21, 2012, 03:57 PM EST
If you're reading this, congratulations; you have survived the Mayan apocalypse. Well, at least the initial day. From here on out you can expect earthquakes, volcanoes, attacks by packs of wild dogs, hurricanes and tsunamis, not necessarily in that order.
Of course, you probably knew that since you probably had to dodge a volcano and fight a pack of wild dogs to get your hands on this newspaper, and you will probably have to burn it for heat immediately after reading it. But read it you must, as I am here to provide you with valuable survival tips.
Here's my first tip for you: run out into the street screaming and panicking. Yell, "The end is here! The end is here! Save yourself!" Go ahead. I'll wait while you finish step one. Come back when you're done.
There! Feel better? It's best to get that out of your system. I hope the wild dogs didn't get to you.
Now, wipe the ash and lava off and let's get down to business. First you need to take inventory. Go down into your bomb shelter or up to your safe room and we'll take a count of ...
What? You don't have a bomb shelter or safe room? Oh, dear. That does pose a problem. This could be tougher than I thought.
Okay, so no safe shelter. I don't mind telling you, I'm a little disappointed in you. But let's just move on to your food supply. I assume you have been hoarding canned goods and non-perishables over the past couple of years as the doomsday foretellers told you to, so let's start there and see how many ...
No? You haven't been hoarding in preparation for the apocalypse? You should be ashamed. And you will be in a couple of weeks when you are wrestling with wild dogs over the last Twinkie in Indiana just so you can feed your starving family. Of course, that was going to happen with or without the Mayan apocalypse, thanks to the recent Hostess apocalypse.
So you have no safe shelter and you will soon have no food. I have to tell you, it's not looking good. Your only last hopes are water and heat. Now please tell me you at least took the time to purchase a water purification system and stockpiled at least six months worth of fresh water.
NO? Well, I'm not surprised. You are not prepared for this thing at all. Dare I ask if you have plenty of firewood? I thought not. Then I guess it is fortunate that this happened during the Christmas season. While all those electronics you have wrapped up under the tree are now useless, the tree itself could be your most valuable asset at this point. Looks like you will have to drink the tree water and start chopping the tree up for kindling ...
Don't tell me you bought an artificial tree!
I must say, this is the last straw. You are back to step one. It is time to run into the streets and panic again.
Unless you go with Plan B. It's the only thing you can do at this point. Don't worry; I think it could save you.
Plan B, in a nutshell: Enjoy a Merry Christmas with your family and make it the happiest new year of your life.
This is the plan I'm using. I'm pretty sure it's going to work out just fine.
- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book "What's the Point?" available at booklocker.com. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Word on the street and in the media is that it will be a really bad summer for mosquitoes. Or should I say, it will be a really bad summer for humans, because it will be a great year for thirsty mosquitoes.
June 14, 2013
As a Christian, I feel compelled to respond to a recent letter to the editor.
When Barack Obama announced his presidential campaign back in February 2007, he did it in front of the old Springfield, Ill., Statehouse in a speech full of references to Abraham Lincoln.
Ordinarily I don’t take requests, but a bunch of people have written to ask how I’m doing with my weight-loss surgery and I thought this might be the most efficient way to answer.
June 11, 2013
I am a grandmother who went to the Brownsburg graduation ceremony on June 7 and due to very poor planning on Brownsburg School’s part, I could not sit and watch my twin grandsons graduate in person. I was directed to an overflow room where I had to watch it on a TV screen and could not even take pictures.
What you are now hearing across the land is a collective whine. Blue-state Democrats are upset that Texas Gov. Rick Perry dares come and play in their sandboxes, and worse, threatens to “poach” jobs from their states.
The website Politico reports that Perry’s attempts to lure jobs to Texas are “infuriating to prominent Democrats around the country.”
I am the first to admit I am behind the times when it comes to technology. I remember way back in the olden days of the 1990s when I was actually ahead of the game. Now there are second-graders that are more tech savvy than me. I just decided to stop my forward technological progression a few years back.
June 7, 2013
College graduates facing a crushing debt – some more than $100,000 – is a very big and a very real problem.
But U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s recent proposal to deal with it won’t solve the problem. It is a cheap ploy to divert attention from the real problem.
It is appropriate that the worst scandal of the Obama administration — the Internal Revenue Service’s targeting of conservatives — is a scandal of administrators and bureaucrats, of otherwise faceless people endowed with immense power over their fellow citizens and running free of serious oversight from elected officials.
Because I am a With-It type guy who is Down with all the latest Technostuff, I recently agreed to teach an online summer class for one of my local universities, which shall remain nameless but whose initials are IUPUI.
June 4, 2013
An NPR broadcast examines the question of how communities can better prepare for tornadoes like the one that struck Moore, Okla. on Monday. The broadcast features commentary from Michael Fitzgerald, who reported a five-part disaster series for the CNHI News Service.
May 22, 2013
Part I: Are We Prepared? | Part II: Disaster Dollars Part III: Lessons Learned | Part IV: Warning Signs Part V: The Big One
Trish Staine had just finished running 10 miles while training for a half-marathon when she started going into labor. The mother of three said she hadn't gained any weight or felt any fetal movement in the months before and had no idea she was pregnant. Is it possible for a woman not to know she's pregnant before she starts giving birth?
June 17, 2013
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