By Rebecca Todd
The Hendricks County Flyer
Fri Jun 29, 2012, 04:21 PM EDT
The other day in the grocery store parking lot, I overheard two women fawning over what I assumed was a small child. "Hi there, sweetheart! Aren't you sweet?" one of the women cooed.
"He's grandma's boy!" the other proudly exclaimed. I finished loading my groceries and turned to see the cute child. But it wasn't a child. It was a dog.
I have to be honest. It was very difficult to not grab a couple of canned goods out of my bag and bean the women in an attempt to knock some sense into them.
That's probably wrong, isn't it? It's just that this whole "dogs being treated like people" thing is getting out of hand. I recently wrote an article about dating sites online for pets, but now it's getting worse. There are whole product lines out there aimed at people who think their dogs are people.
For example, there's a new product on the market for those who are troubled by the fact that when they are out tying one on, Fido is left out in the cold. Never fear, party people! Now there's Bowser Beer; special brewsky for dogs. Whether you're having a party or a simple night cap, now Fido can join you! No more sad, puppy-dog eyes. Instead your wild dog will be the life of the party ... and it's only $19.99 for a six-pack! Plus tax. Void in Rhode Island. I don't know why. They're like another mini-country over there.
Here's a question: what is the drinking age for dogs? It's a little sketchy because of the whole dog years thing. I'm guessing they must be at least three because that would make Fido twenty-one in people years. But does this mean that you will have to get your dog a picture I.D.? Will they have to look at least 40 in order to not be carded? That would be six in dog years, right? It's all very confusing.
After Fido downs his $20 six-pack, he's likely to have ... how should I put this ... a bit of a disturbance in his intestines that could have undesirable side effects. Never fear, consumers! There is a product on the market that can take care of doggie flatulence. To put it bluntly, a company called Flat-D Innovations, Inc. is selling a thong for dogs, designed to make dog gas smell better. Yes, I said a thong. The "Dogone," as it is so charmingly dubbed, is an activated charcoal cloth that traps foul smelling odors. It's washable and reusable, thank goodness. Guess how much it is. Oh, come on. Just try. Yes! It is $19.99. Plus tax. Void in Rhode Island, because dog flatulence is apparently illegal in that country.
There are many more products out there, but most of them I'm not comfortable talking about. Suffice it to say that if there is a product for humans, no matter how disturbing, there is also a product for dogs. Sometimes research is not a good thing. Not sure I can get some of those images out of my mind. It almost makes you wish you lived in Rhode Island where such things never happen because everything is void.
Well, almost. Just one question: is it OK to bean crazy women with canned goods in the grocery store parking lot in Rhode Island? If so, it would be worth it.
- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book "What's the Point?" available at booklocker.com. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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